We Have a Surrogate…and Now We’re Pregnant, Too: Alex’s Infertility Journey
“I never really thought that I would deal with infertility…It was really out of left field for me and that was a big struggle. I also grew up not knowing how I wanted to have kids but then I found my husband, fell in love, and I knew I wanted to have his children. We got pregnant I think the first time we tried but I miscarried early with that one. That was really shocking to me. But my sister had had a miscarriage before she had her three kids. I thought maybe it was the family thing. We all have a miscarriage and then we go on to have as many children as we want.”
“I grew up not knowing how I wanted to have kids but then I found my husband, fell in love, and I knew I wanted to have his children!”
Alex’s infertility journey started about six years ago and included a total of five miscarriages. Several months after her first miscarriage, her and her husband tried again naturally and were again able to get pregnant on the first try. But again, she miscarried at seven and a half weeks. The first miscarriage was devastating but Alex knew of others who also experienced one miscarriage. However, after her second loss, Alex felt incredibly alone. At the time, she knew no one else who had two miscarriages and wondered if it happened to anyone else or if people simply did not talk about it. She found out along her own journey of infertility that people just don’t talk about it.
TWO MISCARRIAGES. IT’S TIME TO SEE A SPECIALIST
“We were connected to a couple of doctors and got into one sooner than the other and decided to go to that one because the wait times for all of these are ridiculous. We had all the tests done, and everything came back normal. They recommended we go ahead and keep trying naturally, because we obviously could get pregnant. We did a bunch of natural cycles with progesterone and baby aspirin, which was not like progesterone suppositories and was not a fun thing to go through for a year of cycles.
Because we had gotten pregnant, it was harder for me to move on to IVF. Making sense of that took a lot longer than I think for someone who just couldn't get pregnant. I kept thinking it was going to happen at some point. And, just at the time where I thought I might start IVF, we did get pregnant again and that re-solidified the whole thing.
It was a very quick pregnancy that ended shortly after it began. After the loss we ended up switching clinics, because I didn't love my first doctor and I didn't feel like I had a lot of care at that clinic. There were some organizational issues. When I was pregnant the first time at that clinic, I got a call to tell me that I was not pregnant. But I had tested at home and asked if they were sure I wasn’t pregnant? They checked again, came back, and said it looked like they needed to calibrate their system…I was right, my test was positive. I don't think there was any calibrating of the system. I think it was an entire mistake. That really threw me off and I was done with that clinic. This was a really big mistake, and I can't deal with mistakes that are this huge.”
“After the second loss, I felt really alone and wondered who else does this happen to? Maybe they just never talk about it…I found out much later that people just don't talk about it.”
WE HAVE EMBRYOS BUT I’M TERRIFIED TO TRANSFER THEM
“I switched to a doctor who specialized in autoimmune issues, and I thought, maybe this is what I'm dealing with. I'm now really a recurrent loss patient and maybe I need more testing that this other clinic wasn't doing with a new set of eyes. Everything again, was normal, normal, normal, and nothing was showing any sort of red flags. But no one agreed to test for the natural killer cells, which a lot of people talk about with recurring loss. There are doctors who believe in it, and doctors who don't believe in it. And ultimately, I think with natural killer cells, you need to test the actual uterus to check if those natural killer cells are built up in the uterus. But the only real way to tell that would be to test the uterus while you're pregnant and that's not something that can be done. So, I never really got those tests done. The only thing that I had was slightly elevated thyroid, but not enough for my doctor to put me on anything.
We did a round of IVF at this clinic, got two embryos, and then I was terrified to transfer them because I had been through so much to get them. If we're going to continue to miscarry, how do I transfer these two little embryos that took so much work, time and effort? So, we didn't transfer, and I went on to do some medicated cycles with that doctor, because I thought if we can do some medicated cycles, maybe we can get pregnant again, but with other medications. Maybe this will all work.”
Alex and her husband started to consider surrogacy as an option to eliminate something from herself that may be causing the miscarriages. Before fully committing to surrogacy, Alex and her husband decided to try to get pregnant a different way and turned to Intrauterine insemination (IUI).
“We did an IUI and the first one did not work. We started another IUI that got cancelled, because I had five follicles and they thought it was too risky for multiples. My husband and I agreed and didn’t try to cheat the system in any way. However, we had had sex the night before and I was super scared. They said we didn’t mess anything up because they were going to trigger me…but I did get pregnant. I was super terrified because that wasn't part of the plan.”
“Because we had gotten pregnant, it was harder for me to move on to IVF…. If we're going to continue to miscarry, how do I transfer these two little embryos that took so much work, time and effort?”
MISCARRIAGE AND A TRAUMATIC LOSS
“I was only pregnant with a singleton and that pregnancy went on for almost 10 weeks. We saw a heartbeat and then my anxiety about that pregnancy was super high. It was the worst loss, and I had a ton of mistreatment around my loss with how the clinic dealt with it. They said we could have the loss naturally at home. I'd had a seven-and-a-half-week loss previously and knew how awful that was. So, I asked if they would provide me with maybe two pills in case the pain got bad, and the doctor refused.
The clinic’s other option was to send me for a D&C, which I really wanted to do but the waitlist for the hospital was two to three weeks. I knew that if I came off my medications, like the progesterone, my progesterone levels would drop, and I would start to miscarry within days or maybe even hour. I ended up seeking help on my own and finding out that abortion clinics would do a D&C for me. It was a really weird place to be. Most other people there don't want to be pregnant, which is totally fine, and I believe in pro-choice everything. But it was just a strange situation to be in. My husband and I are crying in an office and other people are crying because they can't believe this happened to them.
It was also an awful experience because I wanted to get the fetal tissue tested. But, because I wasn't at a hospital, they had to give me the tissue to take home…and it was a weekend. The hospital wasn't open for me to bring it there and so, I had to keep it in my fridge over the weekend. This should just not be done to people, but I've heard other people who've had this happen to them, as well. The hospitals get so backed up with D&C procedures and they will push those procedures to abortion clinics. I wasn’t at a terrible place to have it all done and it's where they would roll people over to anyway. It's standard procedure.”
This was the most shocking part of my journey for me. I had no idea that I would ever be put in that type of position. To not only have to advocate so much for myself, but to then have to bring home my dead baby. It was the most shocking of everything and eye opening because I didn't know other people had gone through this. This can't be a thing. But for the clinic, this was a normal occurrence for them.”
HOW DO YOU COME BACK FROM A LOW POINT?
“I didn’t think I was going to take another step forward on this infertility journey. I was done…completely done. No children. I'm good. I'm never doing this again. I'm never stepping into a fertility clinic. I'm not doing this anymore. I was even actively trying to not get pregnant naturally. I was totally terrified of getting pregnant at that point.
It took me about six months to come back around and start to think maybe I could do this again. Maybe this is something that is possible for me to do. Time helped and getting further away from the feelings of the traumatic loss. My biggest fear at that point was getting pregnant at the same fertility clinic, having another miscarriage, and the whole thing happening again.
I started seeking out other opinions at a couple other clinics and while I was doing that, I got pregnant again. I had talked to a new clinic, but wasn't 100% sold on them, but when I found out I was pregnant I decided to carry on with this new clinic because I knew they did D&C in house. I chose 100% based on that. I think a clinic should fully care for you whatever that journey ends up being. At my previous clinic it felt like, ‘Oh, you're having a miscarriage. Call us on your day one.’ It didn’t feel like they could care for me anymore. I ended up miscarrying very quickly; it was more chemical than anything. So, I didn't have to do anything, which was good and there were no findings for me at this new clinic either.
Finally, I ended up switching to my current clinic with the doctor that I love, and we did a second round of IVF there. I just felt I needed more embryos to feel safe with maybe doing a transfer. We got two more embryos from the second round of IVF and tested all four of our embryos (two from previous round of IVF). Of the four embryos, we ended up having two genetically normal embryos and one mosaic embryo, which is great for the number of embryos that I had.
We ended up doing a transfer and it didn't work. At that point, I was like, oh my god, now we're back down to the two embryos but really one normal and one mosaic.”
“[Our Surrogate] wanted to do this for a friend and not for someone that felt like a stranger. I wanted that too! I didn't want a stranger carrying my baby either.”
REMOVING MYSELF FROM THE EQUATION: LET’S LOOK INTO SURROGACY
“At that point, we decided to seriously look into surrogacy because I decided I wasn’t transferring the embryos we had left. I know, we only did the one transfer, but it didn't even work. We had all this other experience with loss, and I decided I was not going to just go through the embryos we had left.
We ended up signing up with a with an agency in Ontario and we found our surrogate really quickly. She was actually up on their website when we signed up and I sent her a message. She had been talking with many other couples and told us that she was not a surrogate who was going to match with us quickly. She wanted to do this for a friend and not for someone that felt like a stranger. I wanted that too! I didn't want a stranger carrying my baby either.
We talked to her for about a month and a half and had some zoom calls and text messages. She texted my husband separately from me to get to know us both, which I thought was really lovely. We ultimately did end up matching with her and mailed her a little thing asking if she would be our surrogate? It was really lovely.”
While going through the surrogacy process, Alex did another round of IVF that failed and resulted in no embryos. Those results solidified their pursuit of finding a surrogate for her remaining embryos.
WE HAVE A SURROGATE…AND NOW I’M PREGNANT
“We signed contracts and our surrogate flew in from New Brunswick to do her medical exam at our clinic. We hung out with her for several days and got to know each other. She passed her medical exam, passed her psychological exam and she went home. Then we did all the contract signing and we got a transfer date set.
We have this transfer date set and it’s decided that she will do a longer protocol that would start around August where she goes on Lupron for a bit. In early August, I found out that I was pregnant. I got spontaneously pregnant again. And to me, I just assumed I would have another miscarriage and then we would do a transfer with our surrogate. Being pregnant again did not mean anything to me. In my mind, it was a 100% chance I would miscarry.
My initial thoughts were that this was an annoying timing to be pregnant. I was going to have a miscarriage while our surrogate was starting things. This was terrible. Part of me was quite angry that I was pregnant. Why was this happening now? We literally have everything planned out, so I don’t have to go through [miscarrying] again. We are ready to go with our surrogate. And now I'm pregnant. This is so stupid.
The thing I hate is that people would say that we got pregnant because we found a surrogate and I relaxed. That wasn't the case. I was not relaxed. We are spending a lot of money, planning her visits from New Brunswick, and trying to plan things around specific times. I was not less stressed, and it was not super relaxing at all. I feel like [this pregnancy] is just so random because pregnancy is very random for people. Whether it's successful or not successful, it can just randomly happen.
I just expected all the bad news. I go in and I get my initial bloodwork done and thought it would come back at some ridiculously low level and then I'm going to do my second beta and that will come back low. I had this paved way of thinking and processing. But this time that’s not what happened...things just went well.
At this point, I wasn’t miscarrying, and I needed to tell our surrogate that I'm pregnant. I couldn’t have her start all her medications without knowing what's going on. I told her I don't really know what's happening…I've been this pregnant before and had things go somewhat well, but I may miscarry. We wanted to continue with her transfer because there was no way that I wouldn't. We still have these embryos but there was no way I could transfer. With my history, my body is off limits for embryos.
We did our transfer. And everything was still going well with my pregnancy. Our surrogate said she wasn’t going to tell us anything even if she tested early, which was perfect to me. I didn’t want to go through the whole thing that I go through with myself and would wait until beta day. She did her beta and made the most beautiful video that ended with all these positive pregnancy tests. She was pregnant. It was crazy. Totally crazy.”
Alex and her surrogate are almost exactly eight weeks apart in their pregnancies.
“I’m still holding my breath and feeling very surreal about all of it…If I'd known this was my end result, I could have gotten through it so easily.”
SUPPORT SYSTEM
“I definitely found my support system on Instagram. I find people who maybe didn't live near me but are going through very similar things. And finding a fertility specific therapist has been amazing. I found her on my own but at all the clinics that I've been to, they do have those types of recommendations for you if you ask for them. I find her support really helpful being able to speak to a therapist who I don’t have to explain everything to. I can say I'm going in for an egg retrieval and she knows exactly what that entails.
My family and friends have been there as much as they can be but for a lot of it, I did find I had to distance myself from some of my friends who were pregnant or with children. It was just hard to be around a lot of that stuff. And luckily for me, my friends really understood that. I do find that one on one is a lot easier than hanging out with a bunch of people because everyone just talks about their babies and their kids. Being able to hang out one on one with a person is a lot simpler to avoid those types of conversations.”
HOLDING MY BREATH
“I am absolutely still holding my breath. I feel more confident being far past where I've ever been with this pregnancy but I’m still waiting for milestones. I’m also feeling a little bit of fluttering from the baby, and you start worrying if you felt anything in the last little bit.
And ultrasounds are still exciting but also terrifying. You immediately worry if you are going to see the baby again. Is there going to be a heartbeat? Are things going to be okay? Not having Baby Number Two with me and knowing all these things is hard, too. I’m still holding my breath and feeling very surreal about all of it.”
FOR THOSE WOMEN WALKING THE INFERTILITY PATH
“I'm sorry. I'm sorry that it sucks so badly. And that there's no way of knowing what your end result could be. I don't want to ever say that things will happen or tell you not to worry because it will all work out because it doesn't always.
I will say I know the feeling so much. And there are so many people who are there with you. I wish that I could give you your timeline because I know that would have helped me so much as I look back on all of this for myself. If I'd known this was my end result, I could have gotten through it so easily.”