IVF Took Over My Body: Sherelle’s Battle with Infertility

“I didn't really know much about infertility. Growing up, it was not something that was ever really discussed; it was a taboo topic. If there was a family member or someone from church who didn't have children, you just assumed that they just didn't want to have children. Looking back, when I had a friend who had a couple miscarriages, we just didn't know how to be there for that person going through it. Because, again, it wasn’t talked about, we didn’t know what they were feeling and all the implications of those feelings. That was really the only experience that I had with infertility or miscarriage…a couple friends and very minimal talk about it.”

“We must get to our babies, and they are going to come into our lives one way or another. We must keep going. The promise still hasn’t been fulfilled…but it will be.”

Sherelle and her husband waited three years after getting married before they started to try to grow their family and get pregnant naturally. They had been trying for over a year with no positive pregnancy test when she got the advice from a woman who had just been through IVF to consult with her doctor. Still thinking it was probably nothing, Sherelle decided to take the advice and talk to her own OBGYN at her next annual appointment. It was just a few days before her appointment when she started to experience sharp pain in her stomach, similar to the intense pain she experienced years ago from a ruptured ovarian cyst. The pain was crippling but subsided enough to wait until she saw her doctor two days later at the scheduled appointment. An ultrasound did not show anything significant, and her doctor thought it might have been a ruptured ovarian cyst, however, this painful event combined with being unable to get pregnant after trying naturally for a year led to Sherelle’s first round of fertility testing. It was just the beginning of her journey…

LOW OVARIAN RESERVE: A BASKET WITH FEW EGGS

“Within a one-month time span in August 2017, it was test after test, bloodwork, and ultrasounds. I would see one doctor and then get referred to this doctor and then another. It was a lot in one month for me to go from there maybe being something wrong, to there being something wrong and trying to figure out what that something was. It was overwhelming.

We learned I had diminished ovarian reserve and my anti-mullerian hormone (AMH) was very low. The way my doctor explained it was that I have a basket of eggs and my basket had very few eggs left, especially considering my age. We also didn’t know the quality of those eggs. Based on some of my other symptoms like bad cramps during my menstrual cycle there was a possibility I may also have fibroids or endometriosis. I was referred to a fertility specialist.

It was all just too much, and my husband and I decided to put this all on the back burner. We didn’t proceed with fertility treatment immediately and decided to continue to try again on our own and see what happened…but nothing happened.

In July 2019, we decided to revisit fertility treatments and found a new fertility specialist locally. We went for a consultation, did some more testing and found that my tubes didn’t look normal. The doctor recommended a laparoscopy and a hysteroscopy because of my endometriosis symptoms. That procedure resulted in having both of my fallopian tubes removed due to so much scar tissue and damage to my tubes, likely due to endometriosis. My fallopian tubes weren’t functioning properly and having them removed was devastating. I went into the procedure thinking we would find something, fix it quickly and then my husband and I could try again naturally, on our own. I was hoping we wouldn’t have to go through IVF because of how expensive it is. But after the procedure, it left IVF as our only option.”

ONE CANCELLED TRANSFER AFTER ANOTHER

“From July 2019 to December 2019, we were trying to get our funds together to pay for at least one round of IVF and in January 2020 we completed our first round of IVF. I went into the first round knowing I likely wouldn’t get many eggs, because my AMH was low and had dropped even more since 2017. We ended up getting two eggs and were very happy with the two because we didn’t think we were going to get any.

After day one, the embryos were fertilized, and both fertilized normally. Only one embryo made it to day five and because we opted to do pregenetic implantation screening (PGS), they tested to see if there were any genetic disorders, and the embryo came back normal. We found out the sex and it was a girl.

We had the embryo frozen and prepared for a March 2020 transfer. I went in for an ultrasound prior to the transfer and the doctor saw what looked like a fibroid. We had to cancel the March transfer because I needed a myomectomy to remove the fibroid. It was disappointing to have another procedure and to also cancel the transfer we were so excited about.

The myomectomy procedure was right before everything shut down for COVID-19 and the fibroid was smaller than what the doctor anticipated. But, once I came out, everything was shutting down, including our clinic. Any chance of us having an April 2020 transfer was off the table. When they reopened in May 2020, we went back to prepare for a June transfer. We did another ultrasound and it looked like more scar tissue had formed since the procedure in March 2020. I had to have another hysteroscopy to remove the scar tissue and another transfer was cancelled.

It was so frustrating. Here we are with another canceled cycle and a second hysteroscopy scheduled for July, almost a year to the day of the first procedure. The hysteroscopy went fine, and the doctor inserted an intra uterine catheter. It’s like a balloon, filled with saline solution and expands to essentially cover the lining of my uterus and helps prevent any scar tissue from forming. That remained in for four weeks post op to allow everything to heal properly, and everything worked out great. I went in for a follow-up in August 2020 and everything looked good so, we were ready to proceed with a transfer in September.”

“Not only does your infertility diagnosis not define you, but it also does not discount you or make you any less of a woman.”

WHEN THE FIRST ROUND OF IVF DOESN’T GO AS EXPECTED

“We went in for our September transfer and there were no complications. We had reached the dreaded two week wait. During those two weeks, I started feeling symptoms of pregnancy, but wasn’t sure if it was the progesterone shots I was on or if the transfer worked and I was pregnant. I tested early at home, and it was positive. It was the first time in my life that I saw a positive pregnancy test. I was so happy!

We went in for our beta test, waited a couple of hours for the nurse to call and she confirmed that it was positive, and we were pregnant. We were so excited! We went back two more times for a beta test and each time we went, everything was progressing beautifully. But when we went in for our seven-week ultrasound appointment, there was no heartbeat. I remember the doctor initially just being silent and we immediately wondered what was going on. He told us that he couldn’t find a heartbeat and we were devastated. It was like I had an outer body experience, and I just didn’t feel like it was real or that it was actually happening because we had been through so much to get that point. Our embryo was perfect…it just didn’t make sense.

We decided to wait before we did anything and came back for another ultrasound the following week. Maybe there was something we were missing or just not seeing. We just weren’t ready to accept that there was no heartbeat. We went back a week later and unfortunately nothing had changed. But for both me and my husband, we still weren’t accepting it and believed there had to be a mistake. We decided to just wait and visited my gynecologist a couple weeks later for one final check. I would have been about 10 or 11 weeks pregnant, and we had one last ultrasound. There was still no movement or cardiac activity. Nothing had changed since the first ultrasound.

They confirmed I had a missed miscarriage because my body did not release the embryo and I had no symptoms of a miscarriage. There was no bleeding and no heavy cramping. I called my fertility doctor and they prescribed me with medication that triggered my body to miscarry. I miscarried at home with my husband in November 2020, and it was tough.”

“You don’t think about genetics, you don’t think about where they came from…you think this is my baby! It took so much for this baby to get here and you’re just thankful they are here.”

STARTING OVER WITH DONOR EGGS

“In January 2021, we were out of embryos and knew we had to start over to see what was next for us. I started researching egg donor and embryo adoption because I knew with my diagnosis that I would have to do multiple rounds of stims and I just didn’t feel like I could mentally and emotionally handle that again. Some people can do multiple rounds without any question and some people can only handle maybe one or two rounds before they simply can’t take anymore. I knew what I could and could not handle and I was fine deciding after one round that I was going to research donor eggs or embryo adoption.

I met with other ladies in the community who had done either donor egg IVF or embryo adoption and asked questions about how they delt with the embryo, egg, and resulting child not being biologically their own. I wanted to know if they feared they wouldn’t have a connection with the baby or wouldn’t be able to pass things down to the baby. I was struggling with these aspects. A lot of women who used donor eggs and now had their babies acknowledged feeling the same initially but said that when they saw their baby for the first time, they thought nothing of it. You don’t think about genetics, you don’t think about where they came from…you think this is my baby! It took so much for this baby to get here and you’re just thankful they are here.

Because my husband’s sperm was fine, we decided to first try donor eggs. We spoke with my doctor in January 2021, and he gave us information about egg donor banks. We would select the donor, the number of eggs and then the eggs would be shipped to our clinic. My husband would provide his sample, they would fertilize his sperm with the donor egg, and then freeze the resulting embryos. We were going to start this process in March 2021, but I was feeling a little anxious about starting again and was still dealing with the aftermath of the miscarriage.

I’m a woman of faith and prayed, asking God when we should start the process again and all he said to me was June. So, we decided we would wait until June 2021. But in May 2021, we got an email about an egg donor that matched the criteria we had selected. The only thing about her was that she was a one-time donor and once all the eggs she donated were gone, that would be it. I felt like I needed to jump on her, but we didn’t have the money.”

THE ULTIMATE (IVF) GIFT

“We researched a couple of loan options and none of those worked out. My husband thought we should continue to wait because it felt like God had something else for us. If this was the donor for us, she’d still be available when we were ready. So, we decided we weren’t going to force it and instead wait and see what happened. Plus, I remember that God had said ‘June’ and it was not only my birthday month but was also the birth month of our daughter we lost in our first transfer.  

I was driving to work one morning, praying to God to just make a way for us financially. When I got to work and hopped on social media, the first picture I saw on Instagram was this woman who had also gone through IVF and had messaged me previously saying how inspired she was by my story. It warmed my heart to hear that someone so successful as herself was inspired by me. That morning she posted a picture of her baby bump (after IVF was successful) and I messaged her commenting on how happy I was for her and how hopeful I was to experience my miracle, as we started IVF again. She messaged me back asking when we were going to start our next cycle and I confided in her that we were just trying to get our finances together. She asked how much it was going to be. It was $18,000 total with about $15,000 going toward the embryos and $3,000 for the IVF process. She messaged me back and said she’d pay for it!

The next day, she paid for our eight eggs, they were shipped to our clinic within four weeks, and out of those eight eggs we got five embryos. Just the year before we only had one embryo and now, in July 2021, we had five frozen embryos and we were so happy for that. We then started to prepare for an August transfer.”

“We were again devastated, and it felt like a bad dream. I kept wondering when I was going to wake up. We were just here last year but how is this happening again?”

A BAD DREAM: RECURRENT PREGNANCY LOSS

“My husband travels for work and had to be away during this second transfer. I ended up having to do my own shots, which was a challenge in and of itself. My friend who also went through IVF and had her miracles because of IVF came with me for the transfer and everything was perfect. The day after the transfer, I started feeling symptoms right away and I just knew it worked. I tested early again, and it was positive. I made it to beta testing and those numbers were also great, continuing to double and triple with each passing test.

My husband made it home for the first ultrasound appointment and I was so nervous because the last time we didn’t get to hear a heartbeat. But this time, we heard the heartbeat and saw the heart flickering. We were so excited! She turned the volume up and we could hear not only one heartbeat but two! Our one embryo had split into two. We were so blown away. It was crazy and so exciting but at the same time it was mind blowing. We actually got to witness a miracle.

The following Wednesday, we went back in for a second ultrasound. There were no heart beats for either baby. Just like last time. We were again devastated, and it felt like a bad dream. I kept wondering when I was going to wake up. We were just here last year but how is this happening again? Even though it had happened once before, you don’t expect this to happen, especially this time when the week before we had seen the miracle and heard the heartbeats. It was gut wrenching and feels like your hopes and dreams are just being ripped from you.

We again went through the miscarriage and decided to miscarry the same way I did last time at home. And with this second miscarriage, we decided to do a repeat pregnancy loss panel because before proceeding with anything else, I needed to know what was going on. From that panel, we discovered that I have a blood clotting disorder that I had never known about. I learned there are different types of blood clotting disorders, and you don’t always have symptoms to help you be aware that you have a certain type of blood clotting disorder. I have what is called the plasminogen activator inhibitor one (PAI1) disorder. My blood clots normally but my PAI1 is elevated and causes my blood to clot more than normal. I take one Aspirin a day and when I do my next transfer, I must be on a blood thinner.”

TIME FOR A FRESH SET OF EYES AND A NEW DOCTOR

“In December 2021 we started to prepare for a January 2022 transfer. The doctor did a saline sonogram and it looked like my fibroids may have returned. It was like Groundhog’s Day, and everything was just on repeat over and over again. The doctor cancelled the transfer and suggested I do another hysteroscopy to see what was going on.

Before going ahead with the procedure, I wanted a second opinion and a fresh set of eyes to look at my case. So, I’m currently shopping around for other fertility doctors. It’s been three years with my current doctor, and it just feels like the same thing keeps happening and at this point, I just need results and I need to know what is going on. I need a doctor that can look at me and say they’ve treated other patients like me before with my same situation. I need someone to speak to the success they’ve had with a patient like me and the steps they took to achieve that success.  

At this point, I feel like our current doctor doesn’t know what to do with a case like mine and I don’t feel confident moving forward. I need someone to tell me that this next time is going to be successful and if not, here are the reasons it may not be. I’m willing to travel if it means we have a doctor who has experience in repeat pregnancy loss, experience dealing with fibroids and can ultimately help us achieve success. I need solid answers.”

“My desire to be a mom is still there and it is so strong. I know that desire doesn’t come from just anywhere but the desire to be a mom is purposeful and it has meaning.”

FINDING A WAY FORWARD AFTER REPEAT LOSS

“My faith has definitely helped me find a way forward after repeat loss. But also, my desire to be a mom is still there and it is so strong. I know that desire doesn’t come from just anywhere but the desire to be a mom is purposeful and it has meaning. Technically, I am a mom but my desire in my faith tells me that I am going to have children and am going to raise children with my husband. That’s what keeps us going.

If it wasn’t first and foremost for my faith in God, I just don’t know if I could go on with this because it is so much. At the same time though, we have also been through so much and we’re not at the finish line yet. We must get to our babies, and they are going to come into our lives one way or another. We must keep going. The promise still hasn’t been fulfilled…but it will be.

I had a dream a few years ago and I believe dreams are one way that God speaks to me. The dream was so vivid, and in it, I had just given birth to our baby boy. I hold on to that dream every single day because I must believe it is going to happen. I have had many dreams like that where God has shown me things that have either come to fruition or have some type of meaning that came to pass.

Those are the things that keep me going, especially on the days where I’m tired, I don’t know what we are doing, and I don’t know when everything we are going through is going to result in us being with our baby. On the days when I’m feeling low, I think back on that dream, or I think about how much we are going through but how we are still here, and we are still fighting.”

OPTIMISTIC BUT ALSO REALISTIC

“There is nothing wrong with being optimistic, but I think you also have to be realistic. Going into our infertility journey, I truly thought that it would only take one round and then we would be done. We started with four embryos, and I just believed we would have four kids. I’d be pregnant after the first round, and we would implant the remaining three embryos whenever we were ready. That’s not how it has worked out at all.

While it is wonderful to be positive and optimistic, you often must understand that IVF is not guaranteed to work. One round of IVF does not guarantee you a baby. There are women I’ve talked to who have gone through several rounds, whether it be two or seven and still do not have a baby. I wish I had that perspective going into our journey. Not that it would change a whole lot, but I think it helps in terms of disappointment. Because you never know what you are going to encounter. It can be transfer month and you think everything is going to go well but then your body doesn’t respond to something, or your period comes when it wasn’t supposed to.

There are so many things that can go wrong or go unplanned that you must be realistic and not overly optimistic thinking that everything will be wonderful. Because it can be disappointing when things don’t happen the way you planned.”

“Infertility took over my body. My body hasn’t felt like my own since before this journey and it’s hard.”

INFERTILITY TOOK OVER MY BODY EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY

“The emotional and physical tolls of infertility are huge for me. Infertility took over my body. My body hasn’t felt like my own since before this journey and it’s hard. There are some women who can maintain healthy lifestyles but it’s hard because the emotional factors cause you to want to eat for comfort. It’s a never-ending cycle.

Infertility is an emotional roller coaster: one month you can get great news and then the next month or even the next day could be totally different, and you receive devastating news. If you’re emotionally drained, you feel overwhelmed, you feel defeated and then one of the things that comforts is food. So, you justify feeling better with eating, or at least that’s how it is for me. But your physical health plays a part in your fertility and there could be things you eat that also feed the fibroids. When you find out your fibroids return you immediately start to blame yourself, thinking it was something you ate.

The emotional and physical go hand in hand. Sometimes you physically don’t feel like yourself. Your hormones are all over the place, you may be crying for no particular reason, or you are disappointed and feeling betrayed by your own body. The whole process can mess with your mind…it really does.”

FINDING SUPPORT FROM FERTILITY COMMUNITY

“I find the most support from the fertility community. Family and friends are supportive, but no one understands like those who are going through it and are in the trenches with you. It’s individuals that are also getting repeated bad results or unfavorable news. These individuals serve as the biggest support. You can tell someone not going through infertility about getting your medications and they might say ‘okay’ but when you tell a fertility sister, their response is ‘Yay!’. They get it.

The fertility community is cheering you on. I remember freaking out about having to give myself the shots for the first time and when I reached out to my Instagram community, so many women messaged me words of encouragement. I honestly do not know what I would do without the fertility community.”

THE FINANCIAL BURDEN IS A BEAST

“Prior to starting IVF, I knew how expensive it was because it’s all you hear about. Going into our infertility journey, I wanted to avoid IVF because of the expense. But after our initial consultation for IVF and seeing the overall price my first thought was that ‘this is insane’! And many people’s insurance doesn’t cover it. We live in a state where coverage is not mandated, and it is so frustrating. The financial burden adds on to the stress that you already dealing with.

No one should have to have the financial burden so often experienced with infertility. When you’re trying to have a child and when you’re trying to have success through infertility treatment, that financial burden should not be part of the equation. It’s already unfair that you are going through fertility treatment, and you already have the emotional and physical toll to manage. But when you add the financial burden, it adds to the emotions and the stress of it all. Infertility coverage should be covered for everyone.

Thankfully, we have someone who is paying for our IVF and that takes the financial burden off us. It lifted a weight from us. A year ago, we were trying to decide what we were going to do next but also how we were going to pay for it. Now, with financial assistance, that’s not even an issue and our focus is on finding the right doctor for us. The financial burden is a beast.”

FOR THOSE WALKING THE INFERTILITY PATH:

“Make sure you have some type of support. It’s not a common practice to talk about infertility or miscarriage and I know it can be a challenge for some people to even share with close friends and family. But it’s so important that even if you don’t share with those close to you, you share it with someone because you need the support. You can’t and shouldn’t go through this by yourself. There is no reason, especially with social media now, why anyone should suffer in silence. Find support whether it is by joining a fertility support group, connecting with someone you meet on social media, or even confiding in a friend you can trust.

Know you are not alone. Not only does your infertility diagnosis not define you, but it also does not discount you or make you any less of a woman. Sometimes we feel like our bodies have betrayed us, we feel like it’s our fault, or that maybe we should have sought out help sooner. We try to place blame somewhere and usually it’s on ourselves. But infertility is not your fault. I want women to be released of the shame and guilt because it was something I struggled with for a long time.

Your diagnosis also doesn’t mean you will never be a mother. Just because it is harder for us to get pregnant or you must go through several surgeries and rounds of IVF like myself, it does not mean being a mother is not for me. It’s just not the case. I truly believe that anything worth having is worth working for. Find something to encourage you to keep going.

Know when you need to take a pause and when you need a break and take advantage of that time. I’m in a pause right now because I’m looking for a new doctor and must remember that taking the pause is okay. If you need the break, step away.

But if it’s something you truly desire, if the desire to be a mom is still there, then keep going when you are ready.”

You can continue to follow Sherelle’s journey and her continued support of others battling infertility on Instagram @sheexperienced