Consumed by Infertility: Chambree’s Ongoing Journey
“Infertility isn’t just wanting to have biological children. It’s wanting to have the connection and the experience. It’s hearing the heartbeat on the ultrasound and feeling the growing belly. It’s feeling the kicks and celebrating the gender reveal parties and baby showers. It’s decorating the room...When someone is putting themselves through infertility treatment, it’s because they want it all. I will mourn if it comes to adoption being the only option, but I also feel like I am preparing myself in a sense. I’m going to be a mom no matter what...we are going to be parents. It’s just a matter of when and a matter of affording it.”
INTRODUCTION TO INFERTILITY
At age 13, Chambree was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), a hormonal disorder, and she knew early on that her issues were serious. Her first period was at age 10 and each one brought such severe pain that she couldn’t get out of bed and would often miss school. She went to KU Medical Center Research Institute for more research and it was there that she learned about her PCOS but also that it was very rare, and the doctors knew very little about it or what to do for her. The only thing they did say with confidence was she was probably going to have trouble with fertility. Even at 13, Chambree took the diagnosis of PCOS as a challenge and said to herself that infertility would not be part of her story...she was going to be a mom.
Chambree’s first struggles with infertility appeared at age 16 when she experienced her first miscarriage. She didn’t know she had gotten pregnant until she had the miscarriage and remembers having problems processing the experience. Being a teenager, she received a talk on being sexually responsible and was then shamed for her behavior, without being provided the space or the tools to fully process the loss of the baby. As an adult she has grieved the first baby she lost but as a teenager, Chambree never felt like she was given the opportunity or time to grieve.
A few years later, Chambree had another miscarriage at the age of 20. Her PCOS resulted in her cycle being so irregular that she was 14 weeks when she found out she was pregnant and 18 weeks when she miscarried. She experienced joy and incredible grief in the matter of a month and completely on her own. Her fiancée at that time was on a mission for the US military and she was waiting to share the news of her pregnancy with her family until his return. But before she could share the news with anyone, she miscarried and had to give birth at 18 weeks. Chambree struggled with how to tell people she was pregnant and miscarried all in one sentence.
After the miscarriage, she split from her then fiancée and didn’t talk about the experience with him or with her family. Giving birth at 18 weeks pregnant was the most traumatizing experience and continues to mark the lowest point of Chambree’s infertility journey. This was the moment that broke her and shut her down for almost three years. She went through a party phase where her priorities shifted, and it wasn’t until close friends sat her down and described her behavior to her that she was motivated to make significant changes in her life. How friends described Chambree was not who she truly was or truly wanted to be. She had always struggled to be her full, authentic self but it was this point on her journey that Chambree started to know and honor her worth. She started valuing herself for exactly who she was. She started to care about herself.
Chambree has a hole in her heart for someone and is consumed by thoughts that she is unable to fill that hole because of a problem with her; A problem with her broken body.
PCOS, Endometriosis, anovulation, PTSD, progesterone deficiency, recurrent miscarriage...She challenges someone to name something that isn’t wrong with her
FROM OBSTETRICIAN TO REPRODUCTIVE EMBRYOLOGIST
In the process of recognizing her true worth, Chambree met her now husband and she was immediately reminded of her infertility struggles. They had another miscarriage early on in their efforts of trying naturally, but with Chambree’s husband being in the military, the military healthcare coverage required she do three medicated cycles with a military physician before she could see an infertility specialist. They worked around her husband’s training schedules and completed six medicated cycles with the military obstetrician (OB) before Chambree received the referral to see a reproductive embryologist (RE).
The RE’s opinion was that because she had gotten pregnant before, he saw no reason why intrauterine insemination (IUI), placing sperm inside her uterus to facilitate fertilization, would not work for her. However, because Chambree had a history of miscarriage, he also noted the possibility that she was struggling with a hormonal issue or an egg issue but there was no way of determining if it was an egg issue until they did in vitro fertilization (IVF). He was relatively positive they could get the hormonal issue under control with standard protocols. The plan was to give Chambree 3-4 IUIs and if they were unsuccessful, they would move on to IVF.
The first IUI resulted in a pregnancy, but unfortunately resulted in another miscarriage. The second IUI was not successful and the third IUI was halted in May 2020, due to COVID-19 related cancellations. This has left Chambree in a waiting pattern prior to starting her third IUI, as they delay moving forward with treatment until they receive her husband’s military orders on where they will relocate in the coming months.
“I expected infertility to be a struggle, but I didn’t expect it to consume every bit of my thought process...It’s just so much.”
EVERY ASPECT OF INFERTILITY IS CONSUMING
Physical
From the beginning of trying to conceive, Chambree immediately started thinking about having sex at the most optimal time. When she couldn’t get pregnant naturally, she immediately started thinking about how she could enhance her chances of conceiving naturally. She started tracking her ovulation, taking her temperature daily, had weight loss surgery and changed her diet. When all of that didn’t work, she moved on to fertility medication and her focus turned to taking the medication at the proper time, stopping it at the correct time, and going in for doctor’s appointments at a precise time. She was planning everything, and all of the planning was around one thing: how to have a baby.
Financial
Money and the financial burden of infertility has been the biggest issue for Chambree and her husband. When they were dating, Chambree was clear with him that starting a family was going to be a challenge for her. She had PCOS, endometriosis, went through 2 miscarriages already, with a possible third miscarriage she was unsure about. It was likely that they would struggle getting pregnant. Fast forward to today where that struggle is their reality and they now ask themselves if they take a vacation this year or save the money for the potential need to do IVF next summer? Even more considerable, do they delay the purchase of their first home, so they have the financial capacity to pay for IVF treatments, if needed?
With Chambree’s husband in the military, she can go to the military treatment facility and IVF would be around $7,000 per cycle. However, on an enlisted service member’s income, that is about a fourth of their pay and that total doesn’t account for the costs of traveling for infertility treatment. While grateful to not be faced with the normal $20,000-$30,000 IVF price tag, it’s still stressful on Chambree and stressful on their marriage. The financial aspects of infertility consume them.
Careers
Fertility has also consumed their career plans and their request for where to be stationed next. Chambree’s husband will receive his next orders in October 2020 and at the top of their list is Hawaii because it is home to one of the highest rated IVF treatment centers for those in the military. Her husband has also considering dropping his airborne status because, with him being gone for considerable planned and unplanned training, it has taken them 2.5 years to complete the six medicated cycles and two IUIs.
The phrase Chambree hates most: “if we wanted you to have a family, we would have issued you one.” She feels like she has to fight to build her family while also risk losing the chance to have the family she has always imagined.
Chambree is currently finishing her schooling but her thoughts about her own career are already consumed by infertility and infertility coverage. The first thing she will ask when interviewing will be around whether the insurance coverage includes IUI and IVF treatment. Right now, without coverage for IUI, each round is $800 and while that isn’t significant for some, for Chambree and her husband, it’s a little less than a third of a current paycheck. While they can afford it, the stress of where and how they will come up with the money for each IUI continues to consume them.
Mental Health
Perhaps most significant to Chambree, has been how infertility has consumed her mental health. She has a hole in her heart for someone and is consumed by thoughts that she is unable to fill that hole because of a problem with her; A problem with her broken body. PCOS, Endometriosis, anovulation, PTSD, progesterone deficiency, recurrent miscarriage...She challenges someone to name something that isn’t wrong with her in relation to her fertility health.
This feeling of brokenness constantly consumes her. She compares herself to other women and is left confused about why it can be so easy for them to get pregnant but such a challenge for herself. She compares herself to family and friends, resulting in a toxicity that invites depression in and opens the door for anxiety to build. Through her infertility journey, Chambree has battled with PTSD, anger, and OCD issues, as an attempt to gain control over every other aspect of her life outside of fertility that feels completely out of her control.
But, ultimately, the ache and emptiness that Chambree feels because of infertility has resulted in more suicidal thoughts than she’s experienced throughout her life. It’s something she actively receives support and help from with her therapist, but her thoughts are centered on feeling like a burden because of her perceived brokenness. If she were gone, her husband could move on and have the family he dreams about. If she were gone, her husband would no longer have to carry the pain or stress about how to financially create or support their family. It is because Chambree feels broken that she feels like a burden to her husband. This is the weight that Chambree carries daily.
The stress of tirelessly working for something your whole being desires is exhausting and then when you add the regime of hormones, it’s impossible for Chambree to relax.
THE CURRENT SYSTEM IS FAILING US
Infertility is a disease, as defined by the World Health Organization, yet Chambree feels the current healthcare system in America is failing her and other women bravely walking the path of infertility. She’s currently limited on where she can go for treatment because of both basic healthcare coverage and physical location. Being in Alaska, there is only one infertility clinic she can go to in Anchorage, which presents inherent financial barriers. In the Lower 48, Chambree was given a quote of $400 per IUI. At the Anchorage clinic she goes to, her only option for treatment, she is charged double at $800 per IUI.
Chambree makes the argument that in 2020, reproductive services should be covered, in some capacity, by health insurance. The military healthcare coverage paid for her weight loss surgery. Their insurance will pay for a tummy tuck, a breast lift, and for skin removal on her arms. However, their insurance will not pay for her IVF or other related infertility treatments. Chambree feels helpless that her body doesn’t have a chance to stay pregnant without paying for progesterone to support it, and for her, receiving no coverage for that progesterone is not acceptable.
Investing in Your Family’s Future without All the Facts
Additionally, when Chambree first started going to her clinic in Anchorage, the clinic was unsure if her ultrasounds would be covered by insurance. It turned out, so long as the billing statement didn’t say ‘follicular exam’, insurance would pay for it. Because of nuances like this, Chambree and her husband went through their first IUI waiting to see what was covered and what wasn’t. No one wanted to give them a straight yes/no answer in regard to what was covered until the procedures were complete and claims were processed.
Chambree feels strongly that there needs to be a consistent way to determine coverage for infertility treatment, with the ultimate solution being federal IVF coverage. She questions why she can go to other countries, become a resident, and easily have IVF covered (and multiple rounds of treatment in some countries). Chambree acknowledges there are politics wrapped up in infertility-related issues here in America, but beyond politics, she continues to voice that infertility is a human issue, too. A common solution people offer Chambree is to adopt, but she notes that adoption in America is also outrageously expensive and it’s not a cure for infertility.
“With infertility, your body isn’t working, you are struggling with the internal battle of worthiness, and you simply need answers. No one asks for their uterus to be so inflamed by endometriosis that the sperm can’t even reach the eggs...it’s not fair!”
Infertility Therapy and Counseling
Beyond coverage of infertility treatment, Chambree highlights a true need for coverage of infertility and miscarriage trauma therapy that is often not offered to or covered for those struggling with infertility. Chambree’s current therapist has to label her treatment as ‘personal therapy for prior PTSD trauma’ in order to have the sessions covered by insurance, despite the warranted need. And while their families understand that they are struggling to get pregnant, the most common advice Chambree and her husband receive is to “just relax. It’ll happen.” But, Chambree explains that she can’t relax. Relaxing can’t cure her PCOS or fix her natural progesterone levels. Relaxing isn’t going to make her ovulate each month. The stress of tirelessly working for something your whole being desires is exhausting and then when you add the regime of hormones, it’s impossible for Chambree to relax.
Chambree strongly believes that fertility centers should have therapists in their practice, readily available to women and couples experiencing infertility. She wonders how many women take their lives because they cannot get pregnant. If she has had those thoughts during her own infertility journey, she knows other women have, as well. Chambree argues that it’s not right that she and other women cannot receive the help they need when they do not have control of their bodies not working optimally for pregnancy. She didn’t wake up at 13 asking to have PCOS...it was a pre-existing condition.
If healthcare coverage is extended to other pre-existing conditions, Chambree asks why not something like PCOS?
Being an Advocate
The empathy that Chambree shares with other women walking the path of infertility is her drive for advocating and sharing her own infertility story. This past spring, Chambree had the opportunity to advocate for Resolve and she recognizes it as one of the valuable things she has done on her infertility journey (right behind putting herself first). She shared her story, talked directly to state representatives, and felt like she was active in the fight for awareness and support of women struggling with infertility.
Being a part of the IUI community, Chambree notes that she’s not always recognized as being someone truly challenged by infertility. At her current infertility clinic, she often feels like a number rather than a person, as though her struggles are not as serious as those women who have to utilize IVF. However, Chambree views each IUI just as much a part of her journey as if she were doing a round of IVF. It’s another step forward on her path to becoming a mother.
“I’m going to be a mom no matter what...we are going to be parents. It’s just a matter of when and a matter of affording it.”
FOR THOSE WOMEN WALKING THE INFERTILITY PATH:
“Find a community. If you are at a low point, go onto Instagram and type in #ivf or #ivfbaby and you will be filled with so much hope. If you need hope from women who have struggled just like you, you can find them. Those faces are your hope.
Don’t give up. You know what you’re fighting for. If your baby was on this Earth, you would move Heaven and Earth to make sure they were safe, and you’d do anything for them. So why wouldn’t you do that to bring them into this world? Just keep going. You can do this. You’ve got this.
If you have a partner that you’re going through this with, lean into them. They may not be feeling it the same way as you, but they are feeling it. Don’t let it consume [your] relationship. Remember why you are in this relationship and why you are going through this with this person. Lean into your partner. They are going through it, too.
To the partner not taking the hormones...give us some grace. We may not always need you to say something, but just hold us. Make sure you are present. Make sure your partner feels heard. If they need to cry, just let them. You don’t need magic words. Just be there.
Same with friends...you don’t need anything spectacular to say. You can say ‘I’m praying for you’, ‘I hate this for you’, ‘this sucks’, ‘what can I do’, or ‘do you want to chill and watch a movie’. Having the support is the one thing that pulls me out of the shadow.”
You can continue to follow Chambree on her infertility journey @mrs.tosi.vsg2baby on Instagram.